When an Elderly Person Dies

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Obododịmma ọha

It is a great benefit to get closer to elderly people, to make them feel loved and cared for, but, unfortunately, the new Nigerian world does not seem to think about them. They are sometimes seen as a burden on members of the family, and relatives may be hoping that they would die soon so that they would organize Asoebi, contract live bands, and have a big, very big party. The elderly person is seen as a waiting big source of revenue and excitement when he or she dies, and so preparation for the death as big celebration occupies relatives. What about making the sickly elderly person happy and loved? What about looking for a good medical treatment for the sick elderly?

Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who is an authority on death and dying, would tell us that dying people do pass through a process involving anger (Why me?), denial, acceptance, and negotiation when confronted by death. Indeed,  when a person stops breathing is not really when the person is dead. The person’s death is a process and may be caused by hurtful words or acts in the community, uncaring attitude by members of the family, frustration from work (especially getting a compensation like pension), etc. So, death is also a process and people may start dying long before they stop breathing and we say they are dead! Another sad thing is that the living (even relatives) may contribute in many ways to the demise. What can kill faster than a disappointing uncaring attitude from relatives?

Caring for the elderly in western societies that Africans want to imitate is something well organized and effective. Elderly people are kept in Old People’s Homes where well trained personnel in care-giving attend to their needs. Yes, the elderly people, who are already in the “departure lounge” of life, still desire to have relatives come around once in a while for interaction. Some Africans may be uncomfortable with this idea of keeping their loved ones in Old People’s Homes. But is it not better than neglect at home or being regarded as a headache (or something worse like becoming a mere street beggar) that should get out of the way? Is it not better than being mistreated because the elderly person has once again returned to childhood and may do childish things?

In the African setting where the relatives may be told by the pastor of the church they attend that the elderly one is a witch or wizard seeking to exchange his or her wasted self with another, would staying in Old People’s Homes not be better from the pain? Elderly people are not just people who have returned to childhood. In fact, some may still have alert and sharp thinking. They love their relatives and may want to:

(1)   See relatives often, especially grandchildren and great grand children;

(2)   Touch the relatives, a very important tactile communication;

(3)   Talk with relatives or people around, because talking, too, is a great therapy for humanity;

(4)   Be allowed to perform simple tasks as living people, to confirm that they are not entirely useless; and

(5)   Share food or drinks with people or relatives – a kind of important communion.

Unfortunately, many African societies in the present time cannot ensure these, if elderly people are kept at home. One issue that borders me much is that they are allowed to be lonely people. What is as destructive as loneliness, especially one not planned for? The abandonment of elderly people or depriving them of their little sources of happiness, is ruinous. The elderly person in such a situation hopes and prays for death to come, in order to be delivered fast from this kind of life.

Elderly people have become children and could behave in some childish ways, but that is not to generalize that they have become a liability. It is because they have been misunderstood or do not have people around who understand them and can use the appropriate responses.

When did the elderly person become a witch or wizard as the pastor claims? Stereotyping the elderly and believing the negative stereotype is already the witchcraft working against the caring of the elderly. Imagine being kept out of society and being seen as evil! This kills the elderly faster and which elderly person in that situation would not ask death to come quickly as a kind of deliverance?

Another issue one would want to address is the fact that every elderly person is an imperishable great library. It has often been said that when an elderly person dies, a big library o has perished! This is very true. But what do we do about it? Simply this: get closer to the elderly in good time and learn as much as you can. In that way, you have saved some knowledge! Another is to use products of modern technology to record some knowledge from the elderly to preserve such, including the “voice” of the elderly person which the world would soon cease to hear! Tell you what, the little recording I did with my late father who died many years ago is a great treasure to me! Whenever I play the tapes of the recording, it is as if he is seated in front of me. But, indeed, if I phone him now (in reality), he won’t pick the call! Finally, an important measure is to care for the elderly, medically and otherwise, to the best f your ability. It has its reward, just as neglect does.